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The 13,000-foot jump that changed how I look at life

 

by Ten Ilajas

I have read an article about aging that says as we age, we tend to have fewer fears because of the reduced levels of adrenaline that we produce. It suggests that our fears when we were younger were more intense than our fears as grow older.

Yet, whenever I think about these statements, I somehow question their validity – how come that when I got older, I began to fear aging itself? I have developed fears from all the experiences I have encountered in life. If something fails at work, I fear losing the career that I have worked so hard to establish. When relationships begin, I fear getting hurt again, and so I fear the commitment of giving my whole heart when I’ve had a hard time fixing it. As I get older, the fear of the unknown cripples me at night. What if I do not get the future I have always wanted, or what if that future is not what I thought I wanted?

At the young age of 31, these fears keep me up at night. There is a chronic gnawing that whatever decision I make could negatively affect my life and that of others. What I fear the most is not having control over the outcomes, of changing feelings and situations, and of the unknown future.

One day, a friend visited me in Dubai, and we talked about life and how life has treated us all these years. We planned to go skydiving previously, but we were both scared, so we have always said: “Yeah, we will do that one day, but for now, we have work to accomplish, relationships to nurture, responsibilities to take care of, and a lot of adulting to do.” We have planned it for the past 3 to 4 years but never had the chance to do it.

When we were catching up, I guess we’ve both just realized that we’ve been pushing this thought and fearing this moment – why don’t we face it and get it over with?

The day we decided and booked the tickets, my hands were sweaty, my knees were shaking, and I couldn’t understand what I just did. After all, it is a 13,000-foot jump from an airplane, not just a friendly dare to eat a worm soaked in tequila.

The next thing I could remember was strapping the harness, discussing the safety briefing with my professional skydive tandem, and then crouching inside the plane with my jump group while trying my best not to faint.

The wind above was deafening and chilling cold. I almost couldn’t hear my tandem’s instructions and the screams of those who jumped before me.

As we slowly moved to the plane’s open door, I could see the 13,000-foot fall. The sky was light blue, with few clouds hanging low. The water beneath was deep-blue and dotted by yachts and boats. I could see the man-made palm-shaped island, the Dubai Marina skyscrapers, and the bustling city. In 3-2-1, we jumped from the plane. The only thing I remembered hearing was an inner voice telling me to let go – so I did.

I never screamed in my entire life as much as I did when we were free-falling. The wind was going against my face and body as if it were resisting my fall, but gravity was so strong as I felt we were descending with every turn.

My heart was throbbing so hard, and then my tears were starting to overflow. They were not sentimental tears at first. I teared up a little from the initial screaming. As I got used to free-falling, we were flying over The Palm; I felt a sense of pure calmness, and that’s where it all hit me.

Fear is a natural emotion, and it is there to prevent us from doing things harmful to ourselves and make us automatically avoid threats to safety. Fear is our body’s way of keeping us alive, but letting fear dominate all our decisions will also keep us from living.

As we age, we assume different responsibilities and roles, and our impact on the lives of others or society will also grow. With this growth, we tend to want to be in control of everything, and thus fear of failing and disappointment is rooted in that growth. We are so absorbed in wanting to be in control – we fear changes and risks, that we sometimes forget to live a little.

Before I leaped from the plane, I was so scared that the chute wouldn’t open, that I would fall, and that I would just become a story or a memory of a person who fell from the sky, but as we jumped, I figured that whatever the result was, I would enjoy the experience, the ride, the fall, the view, the serenity. Gliding into the sky, it felt like I was flying – as if I had a renewed outlook in life.

My fears will always be there, but starting on that day, I have learned to accept that some things are not within my control. Yet, it does not necessarily mean I wouldn’t do things just because I couldn’t control the outcome. I have not become fearless or immune to fear after the experience. I have just realized that, sometimes, to be able to live a good life, we need to face our fears once in a while and trust that everything will fall into place. After all, the first step to flying is learning to let go.

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