by Martie Bautista

Coming into the island, my heart couldn’t help but feel bittersweet.

It was difficult to enter something unknown all by myself. I used to do everything without putting thought into it, and it was only because somebody was there to witness with me. For some reason, Siargao called for only me, and nobody else. I had to fly there alone, or else, the experience wouldn’t have felt complete.

You only realize what kind of person you are when you pack your bags and travel away from everything else you’re familiar with. That was the case for this trip. I remember first stepping intoSayak Airport and feeling terrified and alone. In my head, I was making up scenarios of what this trip would be, if only I had brought someone else.

But this island devours you. It eats you up and spits you out, just like how it’s monstrous waves would. At the end of it all, you feel so petrified and yet still crave for the thrill that it let has you taste. I was nothing but a spectator to it all – such a tiny person trying to take everything the island could give all at once.

I flew out as someone else.

I feel as if I left my old self, back where the waves met and the palms danced. I look at myself now, and I see a different person. I study myself in the mirror, and I feel no fear. I am prepared to take everything that comes my way. But at the same time, I long for the person I left behind.

I’m supposed to be writing about what Siargao is. But how can I type down images that you could easily search online? If you badly want to see what Cloud 9 looks like, there’s the net for that. I don’t want to describe sceneries or landscapes to you like a rambling tourist; what I want is to depict the experience that the island let unfold to me.

Can you imagine abandoning your home and family, and moving to an island across the world? If I was so scared to travel alone in my own country, imagine what Aussiesurfer, Sam Simmonds felt. After spending holidays in Siargao with his buddy, he decided to take everything he had and move to the island permanently.

Sam works for the hotel I stayed in, and I grew to love his sardonic humor and brotherly vibe. I thought I was going to spend the trip by myself, but with Sam and the rest of the friends I met there, I found family. It wasn’t only Sam who held a similar story of moving to Siargao to become an official islander. In fact, many of the people I met carried the same free-spirited narrative. Everyone around the island came from some different part of the world – from Matt, who was a creative director in Manila, to Laura the bartender, who was originally from Lithuania.

You enter the unknown with so much fear and doubt, when in truth, life will eventually take care of you. Sometimes, you just need to learn how to let go. Sometimes, worrying about things is actually the worst thing you can do. Sometimes, trying so hard to be with people is actually hindering you from truly gettingto know yourself. And the island teaches you that. There is a magic in every corner that leaves you so undone and yet so contented. It’s not just the people you meet, but the freedom that slowly washes into you like how the sea kisses the shore.

Moments in Siargao showed me the simplest things in the most complex matters. I would wake up craving for a good surf while trying to figure out how I can still have money for breakfast. But the island moves you to do things that you won’t normally do in the city – and that is to go for the plain and undecorated choice. Therefore, life becomes easy, and days become timeless. Routines disappear, and suffocation from the norm finally ends. In the island, you can do anything and still wake up regretting nothing.

When I left Siargao, I abandoned everything I was with it. I wasn’t myself when I arrived Manila, but a manifestation of what true fulfillment and liberty looks like.  The island does that to you, and no one can do it just as right anywhere else. Now, I don’t mind walking alone.Now,I’m pleased with the easiest things, and now, I’m bent on nothing but the taste of the island again.

One day, the world will be as full and intimate as how Siargao was with me. Yet, I know that will only happen when everyone decides to let go of home and caress the open possibility of uncertainty.